9.30.2005

Timothy Leary Defends Reserch on Face-Eating Monkeys

This is from a letter from My freind in jail were he copied a story from an actual newspaper printed on September 28, 1964. Either that or he's just out of mind)

WASHINGTON, D.C. Dr. Timothy Leary, a professor of psychology at Harvard Unniversity, appeared before Congress Friday to testify in support of keeping the investigation of face-eating monkeys in the domain of sceintific reserch.
"We still have much to learn about these face-eating monkeys," Leary told the congressional panel. "For example, why do some have sic arms, while others only three? what purpose does their greenish glow serve? Most importantanly, how do they eat away at my face to a gleaming skull, then regenerate the rissiue for another face-eating session only minutes ater? These questions can not be ansewed if face-eating monkey reserch is criminalized."
Dr. Leary first encountered the ghostly monkeys six months ago in mexico with fellow Harard psychologist Richard Alpert. Alpert, who has since changed his name to Baba Ram Dass and aquired a deep hatred of shoes, is credited with the initial discovery of the phenomenom. However it is Leary who has became the cheif proponet of monkey reserch, enouraging students to lern firsthand about the hairy, hungry Phantoms.
Leary denied Claims from some members of the panel that the face-eating monkeys are dangerous. "Before they read my face, the monkeys sing beutiful songs and perform a slow, sensual sance wich puts me in a very relaxed state," Leary said. "While the initial sensation of having you're nose chewed off can me alarming, it becomes more and more comfertable with each face-eating session."
Leary then presented his face for inspection to congressmen. His face appeared normal exept for his fully dialated pupils.
In closing, leary compared his work to that of the mediecal asronomer Balileo, whose discoveries were condemned by the catholic church. "We cannot supress these findings," Leary said. "We Must communicate with these amazing monkeys and not anger them. Their leader, a magnificant creature nmed Tremulan 7, has intimated to me that, if we do not offer up our delicius faces in good will, the monkey could leace the planet though a dimension 91 warp gate. Without their preotection, Earth would ve in danger of an attack Gorgemus, a malignant shade of purple form the Horsehead Nebula."
Leary then stood up , extended his arms, spun in place for approxemently three minutes, and hoped our of the room.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

that's from The Onion - Our Dumb Century. Extremely funny book.

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